What Would I Say to you if I Could Say the Things
I Wanted...
Would I tell you that I love you in a way I’ve never loved anyone else before. That I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this feeling and questioning its existence, fifteen years to be exact. You looked at me back then in a way no one ever had. You saw the potential for everything I could be. You believed in me. Maybe you were just trying to get in my pants.. I don’t know. Maybe you wanted to feel a connection with someone as badly as I did. But when I looked at you I saw ME. I saw my struggles, my fears, my love, and my dreams and when I looked at you I knew I had to fight against all odds to become the person that you saw in me. So over the years I’ve grown. I’ve conquered many demons. I’ve been through relationships good and bad. I’ve created, I’ve fallen, I’ve been broken, and then I’ve gotten up again. I’ve been fighting to become that person you saw in me so long ago. And when I see you I realize we’ve been on the same parallel path all along. There are moments along this path where the walls are dark and we both stand alone fighting the monsters that await without any realization that the other is there, beside us, going through the same fight. There are moments when the wall between our paths becomes transparent and we see each other standing there. We reach out and for one brief second in time we connect and for one brief moment I am reminded that I’m not alone. There is something that I have always felt we understand. Something that nobody else gets. There’s a solemn quiet that you and I exist within, a space where no explanation is needed. We know the darkness and sometimes we fall back into its open jaws, but we never stop fighting to get back to the light. We never stop creating, because it’s the only thing that makes life worth living, and if we gave up on that what would we have? So what does this mean? Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in all of the emotions that you stimulate within me. It’s a pulsating energy that flows over every limb in my body. You make me feel. When I’m with you every emotion becomes a vivid image accompanied by a full soundtrack. The colors seem brighter, the music bolder. When I’m with you I feel alive. And I love you, but I’m terrified of what that means. I knew you the first moment we met. You have a charisma and charm that draws people to you. It’s like you harbor an intense gravitational field and if anyone gets too close they get pulled in and can’t break free. I hated myself for falling into that field, I watched so many others fall in and I watched as slowly you destroyed them all. But please understand, I don’t think you are a bad person. You are me. And I’ve destroyed people too. You are lost in yourself, just trying to make sense of your place in this world. The pain of everything makes you grasp at anyone and anything that will offer you a sense of escape. I know this because I am the same way. So maybe we are like two black holes orbiting one another. Somehow the intense gravitational field we both exude never lets either one of us fall too deeply into each other’s black nothing. We only continue to orbit each other slowly getting closer and closer until maybe one day we will merge. Immense amounts of energy will pulsate throughout the universe oscillating the space-time fabric and maybe the world will still be there when we return.